Uraniumfish

Most of the friends I have who grew up in New York City grew up on the Upper West Side, so at least for our parents' generation, this was the place in the city where you settle down and have children. Though you would definitely raise hip, cultured, New York-type children, used to instant access to the best museums in the world, and the most excellent magnet schools money can buy. I think that's still true of the Upper West Side: that it is quiet enough to still be an ideal place to raise your kids, if raising kids in the city is what you intend to do. The area is also so immediately a center of cultural life – think, the Philharmonic, the Metropolitan Opera, the Natural History Museum – that you can still have your finger on the pulse, so to speak, and be a parent too. I think the market rates on family sized apartments have skyrocketed though, so you aren't likely to touch real estate here unless you're making substantial money. As with everything attractive in this city, everybody wants a piece of it, so you're going to encounter the social infighting that comes with being part of one of the most sought-after neighborhoods in this country. Ever heard those horror stories about parents spending absurd amounts of money and effort to claw and nail their toddlers into a decent kindergarten? Yeah, those were probably Upper West Side parents. I don't tend to spend much time in this area, unless I'm going out for a night at the Opera. Otherwise, the bars and restaurants scene is much more happening downtown, but I don't think the residents here mind all that much. As compared to the Upper East Side, whose residents I would say can be labeled “elite,” the Upper West Side would correspond to the label “established.”

Although it is hands-down the greatest commercial district in the world, or maybe because of this fact, Midtown is just really un-endearing. I routinely see people come out of the subways in Midtown, looking around with wide eyes, and going, “Wow.” Yeah, okay, wow. I see why the lights and the hullaballoo can be breathtaking and exciting to someone who has never been to New York before, but it's really hard to maintain that level of enthusiasm when you live in this city. The day-to-day reality of Midtown kicks in pretty soon: unbelievable congestion, gawking annoying tourists who all say the same things and marvel at the same details, stylized and corny commercial detritus, over-priced food, over-priced drinks, over-priced everything. I've also heard the phrase “epicenter of American theater” used to describe Midtown, but this really scares me, since I don't think that what passes for theater inside Broadway venues deserves that name. It is much more appropriately called entertainment, and what scares me is that your typical tourist from the Midwest wouldn't know the difference. Trust me, theater is something other than what you would see on Broadway, but since the Marketing Department at the NYC tourist office tells everyone so, that's where they all go. And since I'm on my Midtown gripe, let me just say that few other areas in the city show off the shocking contrast between rich and poor in NYC as does Midtown. There's something about those vintage Beaux-Arts skyscrapers and modern glass and steel mega-buildings that just drips wealth and privilege. Meanwhile, if you bother to notice, you might see some poor guy offering shoe shines at the train station, or standing all day next to a hot dog cart and selling hot dogs at $2 a shot. If you look closely at the details in this mess of lights and colors and money and tourists, you might just get vertigo.

I have serious reservations here. On the one hand, who doesn't like to see the girls in their glitter tops and lip gloss, attended to by their boyfriend of the moment (and they all look alike anyway) strutting up for a night out on the town in the Meatpacking District. On the other hand, the sight gets old pretty quickly. The area has been called “New York's Most Fashionable District,” probably because all the mega-designers like Diane von Furstenberg and Stella McCartney all have stores here, and it's literally impossible to see a woman walking around in heels that are any less than 12 inches. They, like, throw you out of the neighborhood if you don't have the heel height here (No, not really, but it feels that way). I don't know about all that flashy fashionista stuff, and I really don't go for the nightlife scene, which caters to a yuppie crowd that wants to think of itself as edgy and hip (even though it is merely young and rich, not the same thing at all). So the Meatpacking District doesn't impress me much. But I do like the feel of the cobblestoned streets and the former industrial buildings, most of which really used to be slaughterhouses. And I love love love the High Line Park, which begins in the Meatpacking District and carves through Chelsea. I also really love jogging up the footpath that follows the banks of the river and the West Side Highway, but none of those things have much to do with what the Meatpacking District is famous for, which is flashy night-lifers and over-priced drinking. I do take some pleasure in the aesthetics of the ultra-luxury buildings that have sprung up in recent years in this area, all designed by brand name architects. Such places are literally dripping with flashy new-money money, but at least they are aesthetic and a pleasure to gawk at on an afternoon.

Washington Heights is covered over in many step streets, because of the abrupt hills that make up the topography of this area. Another prominent feature of the area is the presence of the sprawling Columbia University Medical Center facilities, as well as the Columbia College of Physicians and Surgeons. I think everyone has heard of the Cloisters, the excellent outpost of the Metropolitan Museum of Art which houses a collection of Medieval art and is located inside Fort Tyron Park. But fewer people know about the Hispanic Society of America, which is housed in a gorgeous beaux-arts institutional building, and which houses the largest collection of El Greco and Goya paintings outside of Spain. It's a wonder so few people know it's even there, considering the many art connoisseurs in this city. I've also been – by special invitation – to private jazz concerts at 555 Edgecombe Avenue, which is a residential building now legendary for having been home to some big-name jazz era musicians like Count Basie. The residents I met, several old-timer jazz musicians among them, are obviously very proud of this building's musical legacy. That said, I nevertheless find it disconcerting to walk around this area, and would never venture to this neighborhood on my own. Although the crime statistics have improved significantly from the time this neighborhood was plagued by gangs and violent crime and drugs in the 80's, urban blight and poverty are still very visible here, and you really wouldn't want to take a chance on becoming one of the statistics. Supposedly the area is gentrifying rapidly, just like the rest of New York, but honestly, I don't see it yet. I still find it a scary place and wouldn't consider moving here no matter how low the rents are.

The last time I had to accompany a visiting friend to Times Square for the obligatory tourist experience, I had to take an afternoon nap beforehand. Times Square literally makes me feel insane; there's too much sensory input, visual and acoustic and experiential, and I can't stand more than a few minutes of it before I feel totally exhausted and close to a mental breakdown. But, it does impress the tourists, as it is one of those iconic New York spots that everyone must see at least once. It is the quintessential place to gather for massive New York City events, like the dropping of the ball at New Year's eve, and also the quintessential place to drive though, a la the Fugees music video, with the top down and the music blaring. As of 2009, Bloomberg has put into effect a plan to de-map selected parts of the Times Square area, essentially eliminating car traffic in a few key locations and making them pedestrian only. The hope is that this will reduce some of the serious traffic congestion in the area. Times Square, once a notorious center of underworld and prostitution activities, was famously “cleaned up” in the 90's. It is now much more family friendly – to its detractors it is Disneyfied – and surprisingly safe. I still keep a keen eye on my wallet whenever I'm forced to walk around in this area, but it really is quite secure now, in contrast to ten years ago. Personally, I truly truly hate the Broadway theater scene and wish all those tourists would patronize some of the small, decent downtown theaters, rather than the sappy garbage that passes for entertainment on Broadway. There's just no accounting for taste.

I don't really get Stuy Town or why these big, ugly impersonal city blocks would be an attractive place to buy a luxury condo. But apparently not everyone agrees with me, for this former low income housing community was bought by Met Life in 2000, with the intention of renovating the rental units for the luxury market and jacking up rent prices accordingly. This plan turned out to be a spectacular failure, as the original tenants resisted eviction, and the plan of converting apartments didn't go quickly enough to pay off the creditors on the purchase loan. As a result, the investors defaulted in January of this year, and Stuy Town is set to remain a rent-stabilized enclave until at least 2017, when it will finally be deregulated. Not quickly enough for Met life, though.

All in all, Peter Cooper Village and Stuyvesant Town are an enormous collection of red brick apartment towers that stretch from First Avenue to Avenue C, and cover the area between 14th and 23rd Streets. They are, and they look very much like housing projects, with about 56 residential buildings total. There are about 25,000 residents total, and the towers have their own “peace officers” who police the area.

Traditionally a working class and immigrant-filled neighborhood, you won't believe what's happened to this place recently. It was famously a center of Jewish culture, and later was settled by immigrants from Latin America. One report has it that at the height of its artiest art scene in the 1980's The Lower East Side had some 200 galleries, most of them devoted to non-commercial and outsider art. There was also a time in the 1990's in which the Lower East Side was quite a destination for the hottest indie musicians in the city. Those in the know pretty much agree the Lower East Side's music and art scenes are now both lame, with the real artists and venues having all moved to Brooklyn. So, the area's most recent settlers have been ferocious yuppies. Orchard Street is now lined with chrome and glass boutiques and upscale restaurants. It is also currently a favorite night-life scene for those Manhattan yuppies who don't live in the Lower East Side but like to party there. The result in actual time is a neighborhood in which the old and the new are thrown together in odd and dizzying juxtaposition. To wit, the fabulous and famous eateries like El Castillo de Jagua (Latin, Dominican), Katz' Deli (Old World Jewish) and Teany (hipster vegan) are all within a block or two of each other. The mix is still interesting, though gentrifying and overloading with hipsters at an astonishing rate.

People have been fiddling around with Roosevelt Island's architecture for more than a century now. For some reason, it has been the site of several unbuilt architectural competitions and proposals, most of them featuring idyllic or utopic details like banning cars from the island and creating a decentralized campus-style grade school. Many famous architects love to fantasize about the Island's potential, and luminaries like Rem Koolhaas and Robert A.M. Stern have submitted proposals for how to devlelop the place. Actually, Roosevelt Island has a long and dark history as the site of mental asylums and prisons, all of which have now vanished and been converted into rental housing (which is rather eery, if you ask me). Billie Holiday and Boss Tweed both did jail time on Roosevelt Island, and Charles Dickens wrote about the appalling conditions in what was then known as The Octagon, an asylum for the mentally ill.

Since the island is so small, with a bit over 10,000 residents currently, the arrival of a Duane Reade and a Starbucks were big news. There are also quite limited restaurant options here, and getting on and off the island can be a bit slow and annoying. One can drive on Roosevely Island, but large areas are designated off-limits to cars. Of the residential options, most are rentals, with only one co-op extant on the whole island. The prices for apartments are fairly affordable for New York.

I'm a sucker for Soho and it has a lot to do with the architecture and the lay of the streets. The buildings were originally intended to be factories, so many of them now have huge loft spaces with gorgeous, high windows and iron detailing. The detailing of entrance ways and fire escapes is quite disctinctive, and to my eye, truly beautiful. But to each his own. At one time Soho was a center of the most hip and raw gallery scene there was (think, 1970's) but that time is sadly over and it is now an ultra shopping center of all the big designers: Chanel, Gucci, Prada, plus a ton of high end Italian furniture designers.

I know everyone complains about the tourist shopping crowds on weekends, and they are rather unfortunate. However, despite the neighborhood's demise as a center of artistic life and its rise as a symbol of moneyed snobbery and fashion world shallowness, there are still a couple of good things about this place. One recent discovery was RecessArt, a tiny “gallery” that offers artists a storefront to create installations and interact with the public, Location One, another gallery that offers residencies to international artists and exhibits their work, and the Performance Garage, the ultra ne plus of the downtown theater scene. Lucky Strike is a restaurant I frequent enthusiastically, and I have often enjoyed one of their truly delicious appetizers and a glass of wine, and felt like I'd had my fill.

Half of the people who went to college in New York City probably lived in Morningside Heights (aka they were Columbia students), and the other half probably lived in Greenwich Village (aka they went to NYU). So there are a number of local legends that make the rounds. For example, every freshman hears about and subsequently has to go to Tom's Diner, of Seinfeld and Susan Vega fame (Seinfeld was filmed there, and Susan Vega wrote a song about the place). Believe me that the food is nothing special and the place is indistinguishable from any other greasy spoon you've ever been to. Another one is the Hungarian Pastry shop, also popular with the literary student types, which is thoroughly over-rated regarding the quality of those pastries. Every freshman is expected to get blackout-drunk at least once at the Amsterdam Cafe. Everyone reads at least one bad poem at Postcrypt. There's a whole list. And then there are various enclaves: for example, the philosophy department pretty much sticks to the bar next to the Hungarian Pastry Shop for its alcohol needs (the place has changed names, yet not changed much over the years). Nevertheless, half the fun of Morningside Heights is getting to pay homage to those beloved local institutions of food, study and drink. So it's no wonder that this area, so dominated by Columbia University, feels a lot like a college town.

That said, the residential buildings are gorgeous, turn of the century numbers, and there is a significant family demographic in this area, unlike for example the area around NYU. This place must seriously have the highest concentration of intellectuals per square foot of any other in the nation, and the living's good around these parts. Everywhere you look, people are engaged in some intellectual pursuit or other. some of my favorites: St. John's Cathedral is gorgeous and worth a tour. I love Saga for a nice dinner out. Everyone agrees Papyrus is a great literary bookstore, and they also cover a good deal of humanities academic subjects.

Well, it's hard, when talking about Turtle Bay, not to mention that there are about a gazillion diplomatic missions and consulates in the area, as well as the site of the United Nations Headquarters. With all those diplomats per square foot all holding diplomatic immunity, can you imagine the nightmare of enforcing parking violations in this area? The UN is pretty much a world unto itself, stretching six city blocks along First Avenue and the East River. A great many of the buildings in the area are well worth a tour both outside and inside, if you can swing the security access. Many interior and exterior spaces in this are were designed by important architects and designers, and it is not uncommon to chance upon paintings and other decorative furnishings by internationally famous artists. I guess the UN is just the kind of institution with money and prestige enough to swing that kind of luxury. The United Nations Plaza Apatrments, a monolithic structure, is a center for exclusive luxury apartments, and former home of the likes of Walkter Kronkite and Truman Capote. As a visitor, you can mail letters from the post office located on the lower level of the general Assembly Building of the UN, which have unique UN stamps.

Back when I was a student and looking for housing in the Upper West Side/ Morningside Heights area, I always had to be careful about apartment listings for places in Manhattan Valley. Why? Because the area was scary and dangerous, with (seriously) burned out buildings and empty lots dotting the landscape. Although Morningside Heights and the Upper West Side are thoroughly gentrified, Manhattan Valley is literally a valley, following a steep descent west of Morningside Park. Now, to be fair, most of the depressing landscape I've just described is around 108th Street and higher, whereas below 108th the buildings are gorgeous and very much part of the extended Columbia University campus. Also, to be fair, this was some years back, and in recent years the area, like so many in Manhattan, has gentrified beyond recognition. Still I'd be weary of apartments at Manhattan Avenue or Frederick Douglass Boulevard, and wouldn't necessarily assume they're great places based on their proximity to Morningside Heights. Also, in my brief time up there, I saw first hand not one but two accidents involving cars that ran over pedestrians. Apparently, taxis and other automobiles get to careening down Columbus Avenue at high speeds, and as the area is quite hilly, sometimes they don't see pedestrians until it's too late. Wouldn't let children play around there!

I just love Gramercy Park and I don't think I'm alone in thinking it's one of the most desirable neighborhoods in New York city in which to live. Every building seems like a little gem, with brownstone mansions not an uncommon sight. The National Arts Club, and august literary institution more than 100 years old, is home to the Poetry Society of America, and it is well worth visiting whenever they have public events. Their taste in the visual arts is rather stodgy, but they are quite a center for important American writers. Otherwise, I don't hang around the area with the park since I don't have a key, but head over to Irving Place. This little street features a fantastic pastry/ coffee shop, called 71 Irving (guess where it's located?) and a couple of excellent sushi places (Yama and Choshi). I have spend many happy hours in the cafe, people-watching and pastry-eating. Another odd quirk of this neighborhood, not immediately obvious unless you're looking for it, is that it has quite a number of little thrift and second hand shops. The merchandise isn't even always cheap, but sometimes interesting vintage goods and discounted designer clothes can be found if you have the patience to look.

Known as the fashion and manufacturing center of the city (and of the United States, for that matter) the garment district features some behemoth institutions as well: The Javits Convention Center, Penn Station, Madison Square Garden, Port Authority, the New York Public Library, and the central NYC Post Office, which until only recently used to be open 24/7. If you're alive and living in the city, chances are you've had reason to come to one of these institutions or other, and have been to the Garment District. I can't say it's my favorite place to hang out. While sitting on the front steps of the beautiful Beaux-Arts buildings of the post office and of the public library can be pleasant, the experience is seriously marred by the noise and smells of traffic on the streets. Weird fact: the AMC Empire Theater, one of those huge 25-screen multiplex theaters, is the largest structure in NYC to have been physically moved (in 1998). It was rolled 170 feet in a single day, after months of preparation. I do love Bryant Park, especially the always fun and always rowdy experience of watching free movies in the park in summer times, but otherwise this area gets a big thumbs down from me for its impersonal scale, noise, and unsavory characters hanging out near the entrance to Penn Station.

Lenox Hill is the part of the Upper East Side which is closest to Midtown. As such, it has the grand, ornate presence of the rest of Midtown, and the stratospheric exclusivity that are so typical of the Upper East Side. Since both the Whitney Museum and the Frick collection are in this small patch of the Upper East Side, I have frequented the area and become accustomed to its many upscale delis for a quick bite to eat in between museum visits. The Frick collection is easy to love for its sumptuous rooms, fountains, and world class collection of art, and the Whitney Museum, host to the important biennial of contemporary American art, is a place I often attend, if only to complain about the most recent biennial selections, which seems to be a popular pastime in the art world. I also truly love Ursus Rare Books, located inside the Carlyle Hotel. It has an incredible selection of rare books and first editions. It is one of those wonderful and stylish experiences typical of this area as a whole, to visit Ursus, browse through rare copies of Joyce and Beckett, or just ogle page after page of the art books, and then head downstairs for a relaxed drink at Bemelman's Bar to top it all off.

Inwood is the neighborhood most far north on the island of Manhattan, and it is really pretty far from the rest of Manhattan in terms of culture and neighborhood feel. Unlike lower Manhattan, which has a rich and layered history that goes back hundreds of years, Inwood was basically rural farmland right until the 1930's or so, when a lot of speculative developments suddenly sprang up. As a result, the area features a lot of impressive Art Deco buildings. There are a number of parks in the area, including Inwood Hill Park, Fort Tyron Park, and Isham Park. One of the most notable institutions in the area is the Cloisters, a special offshoot of the Metropolitan Museum, which houses a collection of Medieval art and is located within Fort Tyron Park. The population of Inwood is now predominantly Dominican, though it once had large enclaves of Irish and Jewish settlers. The Dyckman Houses are lower-income public residential developments. The area has become a somewhat desirable place for real estate lately to people who are otherwise priced out of Manhattan, though I wouldn't say gentrification is a major force here. It is green and serene, but by the standards of the rest of Manhattan, it resembles a sleepy little town.

I guess I understand why real estate developers are trying real hard to get everyone to stop calling this Hell's Kitchen and go for something more sedate and palatable like Clinton or Midtown West. But the name has stuck, probably because it is still a depressing no-man's land of infrastructure (think, rail depot) warehouses, and hospitals. A lot of people want to make a lot of the fact that the theater district is lively and kicking here, as are a number of broadcast studios like SONY and CBS. The Daily Show and the Colbert Report are taped here, and the area is reputed to have a high number of actors as residents. That may all very well be true, but on a recent night out at the theater in this area, I was struck by a spate of new luxury condo buildings that seem to all have sprung up overnight, and which did nothing to improve the area sense of desolation. Sure there are a ton of parking garages that make a night out at the theater convenient, but how about a little cafe or bar to hang out in before the show? We ended up at the only place serving food within sight of a couple of blocks: a gas station-slash- Dunkin Donughts, where we purchased a luxury snack of packaged almonds and a bottle of coke. If I were in the market for a luxury condo, I'm just not convinced this are is one I would be buying in.

Harlem is a major center of African American culture, and has held that position since the early 1900's. The area remains predominantly black, despite a major uptick in the rate of gentrification since the middle 1990's, with young non black professionals moving in to take advantage of the affordable housing options and relative ease to commute into central Manhattan. Harlem includes the distinct areas of Hamilton Heights, Sugar Hill, and Manhattanville in the West, plus Spanish Harlem in the East. It is hard to talk about Harlem without mentioning some of the stages of its development that have made it a renown place worldwide, such as the birthplace of jazz, and of the Harlem Renaissance and its role as a center of the civil rights movement. The Apollo is a performance venue everyone has heard of, but there are also dozens of small local cafes and bars that hold poetry slams and open mics, keeping alive the tradition of spoken word and hip hop that has come out of Harlem over the years. One of my favorite things about walking around on a Sunday morning in Harlem is that you can hear the singing of Sunday choirs spill out onto the streets. It seems like every other building along the rows of brownstones is some small congregation or house of worship, and the music is fantastic.

Hamilton Heights has always been the place where young professionals moved to when they were just starting out in the city, and this was certainly the case back in my college days, as it seemed most of my older friends who had recently graduated were all living up there. It is home to the elevator trains, a raucuous and annoying feature of the neighborhood that's hard to miss, both visually and acoustically. The apartments in the residential buildings tend to be spacious and affordable so the attraction to living in this neighborhood is easy to understand. In addition, several parks make this area pleasant to live in, in particular the Riverside Park, which runs the length of Hamilton Heights along the Hudson River. Back in the day, it was always recommended that one stay away from that park at night, but in the daytime, it was an idyllic place to jog in the morning. Also very interestingly, Hamilton Heights is very much a center of the rising African-American professional middle class, in this city as well as in the country. Gentrification is different here than it is in other areas, since the black residents tend to be about as affluent as the incoming white residents. Among the major cultural institutions in the area are the Dance Theater of Harlem and the Harlem School of the Arts.

Also known as Spanish Harlem or El Barrio, East Harlem has historically suffered from all the problems associated with poverty, including high crime rates and drug abuse. As such, it forms a strange and shocking contrast to its immediate neighbor Carnegie Hill, which is one of the most expensive and sough after neighborhoods in New York. East Harlem is predominantly Puerto Rican, though a small enclave of the area's original Italian American neighborhood remains. Some notable institutions in the area include the Museum of the City of New York, the New York Academy of Art, and the Museum of African Art. In recent years, young and affluent people have started to move into the neighborhood, seeking affordable alternatives to neighborhoods like Carnegie Hill. As a result, worries that gentrification will drive out the neighborhood's poor resident base have caused increasing tensions. On the one hand, the influx of these wealthier residents spurs on neighborhood revitalization and helps improve quality of life all around, but on the other hand, low income residents see it as a sign that there is no place any more for them in Manhattan. There are no easy answers to this one, but East Harlem is one of those neighborhoods considered so dangerous, that children are required to pass through metal detectors in order to go to school.